As my arms ached to hold him, I went through a list in my heart of the relationships that I needed to heal. "Get busy Mom, you may not be here tomorrow, or worse those people in your heart might not be here". This is how I prioritized. When I went down the checklist I asked myself if I were to run into them, would I run the other way? Anyone who I would run away from got a phone call. It sounds funny to me now that this is how I proceeded, but I am telling you because it doesn't have to be complicated. It's not easy, but it's not complicated. You will hear this again and again from me. Actually if it becomes complicated you need to re-direct your intention. On the same note if it feels easy, you aren't doing the work.
Love wants to pour through us. Love wants to pour through you. But you and your grudges, you and your blame, you and your feeling victimized, you and your jealousy, you and your fear, you and all your excuses are great big blocks, huge dams that prevent that river of love to gush through every cell in your body. Love is your birth right. I know. I just held the purest form for 8 days.
Confronting the people that we have been most hurtful toward, and the people that have been most hurtful toward us is liberating. It frees us and them of the bullshit that has been trumping our deepest truth. Life is radically different when the truth is so palpable. We can only taste the truth when we confront our demons.
I am on quite a journey, and as some of you have said "an undeniable one". All of us are.
Here is the bottom line, if you can fix something, fix it. Go heal a broken relationship in the name of Max, in the name of me, but mostly in the name of the love truth that you are.
My midwife told my amazing sister who hadn't spoken to our dad for over three years to "just open the door and let the breeze come through". Amen April. You have to start somewhere.
Go open the door.
Max Love, Max Widom
Heather Bear
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| Heintz & Huelster families opening the door in Saint Paul, MN - March 2011 |
21 comments:
Heather,
I think of you everyday. You are in my dreams often and in my heart always. Every time I read one of your posts, I feel the power in the words. The teachings are so alive. Really, I am just amazed at how deeply this experience has touched me and how profoundly I feel your loss, which is an odd thing to say and explain. I think you understand what I mean, though.
Thank you for sharing your heart with the world and for passing along the teachings because it matters, You matter and Max matters.
I am grateful to be on this epic journey through life with you.
With Love and Gratitude,
Marcia
Yep... got it. Have been getting it, doing it...and there is one that I have avoided for some time. I love that part "It's not easy, but it's not complicated. You will hear this again and again from me. Actually if it becomes complicated you need to re-direct your intention. On the same note if it feels easy, you aren't doing the work."
Sometimes it means just trying again and risking getting feelings hurt. This is the discipline piece. It's not supposed to be easy. Max did a lot of work physically at the NICU to remind us the effort required to LET LOVE IN, AND OUT, AND BACK IN. Here we go Max... another one for you. LOVE YOU HH
From Tiffany Edwards Hunt:
I'm still working on being able to comment. I have 'illegal characters.'
Here is what I tried to say:
Ahhhhhhhhh... The door is wide open... I feel like bawling. There is no external savior. We are pure holiness in our love and our hate, in our perfection and in our imperfection. Thank you Heatherroo. I'm here listening. Thank you for reminding me."
My broken relationship is with my Mother. I am not afraid to reach out. I am not afraid to be honest. I am not afraid to take responsibility for my part in our pattern of hurting one another. I have tried many, many times to the same end. I believe that I have done the work, faced myself honestly, attempted to see my part clearly, appologize for it and tried to change it.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I am once again tempted to reach out. Sadly, I just honestly don't see any good coming of it. I spent my life trying to be the right person for everyone else, for my Mother. It took me 38 years to let go of the guilt of being an inadequate daughter in her eyes. When we finally got to the place that there was nothing left to lose by being completely honest and sincere with her, I was told that her life was more peaceful without me, my husband, and her young granddaughters in it. I am a good, caring, self-sufficient person. We are a family that we are told, our friends admire. I have people in my life who "see" me. Who don't disown me because I'm not who I should be, because it is easier not to have a relationship. My mother has a long history of disowning family and friends for not meeting her needs. I was not willing to raise my daughters with the same pattern of guilt. But, I did not shut the door. I wanted to work things out. My honesty was met with silence.
A friend suggested that I post this, that I am not alone in this and that it would be good to talk openly about it.
So I say. I would honestly like to heal my relationship with my Mother, but I sincerily don't know how. I don't forsee any great changes for us if I'm the one who makes the first move. I've always been the one who takes the first step. I have done everything that is healthy for me to do. What are healthy boundaries for me, it seems, are too painful for my Mother to bear.
It's hard to describe such a complicated relationship in just these few words, but am I missing something blaringly obvious?
Stepherific,
I love your post and thank you for being so straight up about an issue that I think many of us can relate to...
I was just reading it and re-reading it and letting it sink in. I think it is so difficult to accept a relationship for what it is and not what we want it to be. It can be so painful to let go of the vision for what we see as possible and accept the reality of the present moment. I have known you for a long time and you, your husband and your children, are amazing people. You are so easy to be friends with, your family is so generous and warm. It is hard to imagine anyone turning away from your love, especially your mother. (Except I know her, so I can imagine it.)
I wonder how we can best navigate mending broken relationships with people who are incapable or unwilling to let love in or out. Or with people who are mentally ill, or addicted, or physically not among us. I know it's not complicated, but it is certainly not easy.
I'd be curious to see if anyone else here has similar situations in their lives and if we can be vulnerable enough to talk about it here....
Let Love & Truth Prevail.
JenZen
When I first heard of the PUSH from Max "to heal a broken relationship", I thought of the Dad, the Sister, the exBoyfriend, the No Longer Friend and wondered, "Who will it be? When and How do I start?"
I was astonished to hear a voice undeniable and clear as a bell from somewhere deep say, "THE BIGGEST BROKEN RELATIONSHIP YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN WITH YOURSELF".
Oh.
So now, day-to-day, I get to feel the big and little ways I break the relationship with myself: the big and little acts of self destruction, the inauthentic, strategic voice, the little lies, the trance-like unconsciousness, the squandering on safe and easy versus scary and bold...it's the little, "harmless" things that are the trickiest!
It's not a being a better person or a doing the right thing. It really feels like the relationship with myself heals by acknowledging it, being present to it, and having no agenda for it other than not denying it.
And that's what's happening with those other relationships I have too.
Thank you Heather and all for sharing...Love,
Jamie, Jame-Jame, James
Heather,
Your heart strength is palpable and inspiring. Thank you for staying open, for choosing to be open, to let love continue moving through you. It makes me want to do the same. For you and Max and like you said, for proliferating love itself.
I love you.
Whitney
Done. I just mailed a letter to my very intense Acupuncture teacher. After 9 years of unrelenting pressure, judgement, guidance, fear, love, and intimidation all wrapped up in her teachings many would wonder why didn't I walk away long, long ago. Maybe because this moment had to arise. Me finally speaking my truth whether she likes to hear it or wants to hear. I know this much she NEEDS to hear it because she's not scaring the bajeezus out of just me now - there are many more students under me. She's an amazing teacher - that's why I have stayed in it. But there comes a time for change. She wants us to get ready for her passing but is not easily relinquishing control. So hopefully by me sticking my neck out, representing all of us I am doing several things. I am healing another level of my relationship with myself (by speaking my truth and not cowering in front of strong personalities) and protecting the younger generations like a big sister, and getting ready for the future change when it becomes life post Chieko. Thanks Max for shaking things up for me/us so that veil has slid off my ego smoothly
Dearest Heather,
I have been reading Max's blog and following along on your journey with Max. I wanted you to know how profoundly sorry I am for the grief and sadness and loss you are experiencing. It was devastating when I learned the news and for a while I felt paralyzed to write or say anything because as a fellow mother, it is our worst fear and it terrifies me to the core. Ever since I had Finn -- no more movies with children being hurt or books that hint at abuse or terrorizing -- motherhood has made me fierce and a quivering mass of fear --all of a sudden there is nothing I would not go through to shield my child from pain. On a recent long and turbulent flight back from Europe, I had a massive anxiety attack not so much because I thought the plane would crash but because I did not want to leave my son motherless. Anyway, you have traveled to an emotional place that scares the bejesus (love that word, sorry if it's offensive...) out of me and you have come out the other side. You are so inspiring and vulnerable and strong and open and hurting and sad and hopeful -- all these things that I was not sure could co-exist but I see them in your posts and actions. I guess I wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone on this journey, every mother of the heart is with you because we have all traveled here in our minds or in reality at some point. We are next to you, it feels like swimming through the ocean, not quite sure what comes next but moving on sometimes through beauty and sometimes not but we are here, I am here. You have inspired so much love in this community and I hope you are cashing that in big time now. Take this love to Vegas! Anyway, I miss you and love you and have you and Max in my heart.
aloha nui loa,
colleen
Hi Heather,
I am about to electrocute myself if I cry over this keyboard any longer. Rest assure they are not tears of sorrow but of compassion for the triumph every human must make over the ultimate of our miseries, death.
I recently finished another 10-day Vipassana meditation course and with the compassion the equanimity abounds. Like your friends have said it is wonderful that you are remaining open, something not everyone in your situation is able to do. Your mentations are inspiring and have touched me this morning. What a beautiful way to use the mind.
Like you too have said the truth about life is Annicca- impermanence. I will be sending you some metta.
Love and Compassion,
Conlon Doran
Heather,
I only just received the news of Max last night and my heart aches for you. But the Universe has a way of delivering news exactly when it is supposed to. I need to heal a broken relationship with my mother.
Last night I had had enough of her manipulation and guilt trips. I have made attempts in the past but am quickly turned away because it is too hard to be in a relationship with her. She was difficult before but a year ago she tried to kill herself and I happened to be the one who found her and saved her. One would hope that an experience like that would help to make a person more grateful for their life but she is more bitter and angry then ever at me.
I go long periods of time without talking to her because she can hurt me so deeply that its best if we don't speak. i tried about two weeks ago to reconnect with her. It was going well until yesterday. I was making an effort but treading lightly so as to get close but also protect myself.It didn't work. with one conversation she was able to bring the worst out of me and I again wanted to just never speak to her again and try to come to terms that it just isn't possible.
But Max wants me to Let Love in and Out, to not be scared of getting hurt and to "Fix a broken relationship"
Heather, you are the most beautiful person I have ever known. You are so strong and I wish i could have your strength if even for just one day. You are kind and compassionate and the Love and Magnetism that surrounds you and Max is awe inspiring. I have never been so deeply touched and hurt by another persons loss. You are truly a mother to us all and your openness and vulnerability shows such wisdom and it gives me courage to approach this life differently, with an open heart and an open mind.
With all the love I can give,
Leslie
Hi folks,
This message came loud and clear to me today: If you are embarking upon the calling to mend a broken relationship with an individual who is toxic, YOU DO NOT NEED TO MEND THE RELATIONSHIP PHYSICALLY. You can simply meditate on the individual, and say this mantra: "May you be happy, may you be free of suffering, may you hold yourself with care."
This may be the most appropriate measure. It is powerful, so while you are at it, include yourself! "May I be happy, may I be free of suffering, may I hold myself with care."
High Five Max!
JenZen
Heather,
The love you share has made me a better person in everything I do. I didn't really have closed doors but I do have relationships that need nuturing and I'm really making the effort to do it before it closes.
Every emotion has been touched and it's so raw. Thank you for taking us on your journey.
Lots of love,
Sharri
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