Sunday, July 22, 2012

Transfer, Transition, Transformation

Max's dad will continue to fill up these pages. Our story has felt simultaneously too robust to capture and too fragile to share. This blog has been devoted to the voice of women while intentionally trying to stay bigger than gender. It feels perfect to share this piece below on July 22 from my grandmothers kitchen in SD. The bigger picture is always more clear from a distance. The blog below is also posted on a new blog set up by our yoga studio to continue a conversation about practice, this path, transition and travel.

 Here she is:

 This is another stage of severance with reverence. Joel Tessier is the new owner of Warrior Won School of Yoga. Context is the set of circumstances that form the setting for an event. And although at this stage of the game,  a change of ownership to the yoga studio feels relatively subsidary, the back story is significant. This is less the story of my relationship to owning a business, moving a business, and selling a business. That story looks a little like this. I never really figured out how to run one well. I am and have always been a much better yoga teacher than a business owner.  I have lots of ideas,  less follow through. I detest stability and security and would rather eat nails than play it safe.  And although these qualities make for a venturesome and bold life, they do not totally compliment running a business. This is a story about rescue, resentment, going to the zoo, hair gel, the denying force, autonomy, partnership, love, loss, barefoot running, silks, lifting way more weight than we thought we could ever handle, and what we continue to learn about staying in relationship...even when you want to poke each others eyes out with a plastic fork.  This about loving each other a tAhousand different ways. This is about watching Joel give his breath and CPR to my son so that I could be Max’s mom for eight days and learn to be his mother this lifetime.  This is a story of Joel not leaving Max’s side from the moment he handed his trembling little body to the paramedics. This is a story of moving into Kapiloani NICU and learning to be parents in an environment where you cannot save your children. This is about Joel only speaking to Max in French because that might be the secret language he needed to stay. This is about Joel trusting my decision to let Max go.  It is a story of wanting to support each other but not wanting to sleep with each other. This is about moments of feeling completely isolated from each other because we grieve differently. This is about yelling at each other, because we are meanest to the ones we rely on.  It is a story about me learning to trust that men can rise up, show up and follow through. It is a story of me wanting to walk away from Balancing Monkey after selling the house and Joel inviting me to ask bigger questions about what ways I want to serve our community and the teachings.   This is about me changing my mind a hundred times and Joel consistently accommodating my inconsistency because he believes I have something valuable to offer.  This is about feeling not good enough, not chosen, and then seeing the reflection that we never leave each other.  It is a story of parenting our spirit child and believing that sharing a yoga studio would be one way to nourish creation.  It is a story of me having to compromise after I spent six hours hanging aerial silks at the Crossfit Gym without asking.  I thought it looked modern and chic.  Joel thought it looked like an Arabian nights themed high school prom. I called it the denying force. He called it victory.  This is about running barefoot around the Big Island on Max’s one-year birthday because no matter what, Joel will always be Max’s Dad. It is a story of me meeting Lani, loving her and seeing Joel happy in a healthy relationship.  This is about me knowing deep in my heart that I have other work to do. It is a story of me telling Joel that the next decade of my life will be devoted to grief utilization and serving women who have lost their children . This is about me becoming a Chaplain and Joel becoming a better  business owner.   This is about Joel being committed to  a thriving yoga studio so that I have a place to return to teach and we all have a place to practice. But mostly this is a story about two simultaneously arrogant and humble warriors who are committed to saying “yes” to life with a certain vigilance about trying not to capture it.  It is a story of Warriors Won. I know in my heart that the yoga studio will continue to thrive as a community with a deep love for practice and for each other. As Warrior Won makes this move to new ownership by a man who has supported us from the sideline these past two years,  I invite you to stay rooted in practice and each other.  Our love of yoga and journey on this path is in our bones and independent of anything outside of ourselves.   With all of this said,  I deeply appreciate you supporting me and the yoga studio all of these years. Your practice fed me. Your practice housed me. Your practice carried me through the loss of our son. Your practice built Warrior Won. Your practice is putting me through chaplaincy school. Your practice will give Joel a new challenge. Your practice will continue to give me a place to return to and share all that we are constantly being asked to grow into. Pranams Warriors, Pranams Monkeys, Pranams Warrior Monkeys. I love you. Thank you Joel for housing us, believing in me, and rising up to support the ways I wish to serve. I am committed to our story continuing to nourish the whole. Love, HH

1 comment:

Sarah Trudeau said...

Wow, Heather. Your writing is opening so much inside of me. I have endless things to say, but really, this is just a huge opening. You're serving Max, the world, and yourself so auspiciously. And your heart-breaking, ragged honesty is a huge part of that.

Thank you.