Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What is your push?

I don't use the term "push" lightly. The rests between contractions became vital for each subsequent push. This was true for the end of laboring with Max. This was true for the birth in my bedroom with Max. This was true for the eight days in the NICU with Max. You can't just stop labor. You can't just collapse when a contraction comes. You cannot not push. You just know what to do and you have to do it. You and your baby work together. You take turns taking the lead. But you do not collapse. This is my dance with Max. I gave birth to Max and to myself as Max's Mother but I am still in labor. My pushes now are very clear leads from Max that are simultaneously miraculous and painful. The miraculous is that I have Max gently guiding me into unexplored areas of my life with these huge bursts of intensity. The pain is that some of those areas are dark and really fucking uncomfortable. But one does not come without the other. Max is a miracle. He has broken open more hearts in his eight days than most of us dare to do in a lifetime. But having a broken open heart doesn't have to feel good. Don't kid yourself. Giving birth to your babies or to your realized self does not feel good. When we open so radically we become vividly aware of how and where we are rigid or have closed ourselves off. This takes being bold. This takes being vulnerable. These two things are not mutually exclusive. They are in relationship. One will take the lead but they are in a constant dance. So amazing warrior... What is your push?
Max Love
Heather Bear

Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy One Month Birthday Max

Wow am I feeling your love.
Thank you for truly braving your heart space and posting. It is an amazing gift to me.

It's 11:11 pm in Minnesota and one month since I gave birth to my heart teacher Max. We celebrated by putting his birthstones in my ears. I feel him everywhere, he is everywhere but I literally see him in the eyes of my sisters babes. Zoe walks down the stairs with her rainbow wings and pauses to look up past me, "Aunty Heather I have to be careful with my wings, Max does too". Howard told a visitor yesterday, "Max didn't stay because he has bigger work to do". They know. It is the adults that have a harder time. On the other edge of rejoicing that Max is present is the reminder that he is not physically here. If given the chance I would fist fight god with brass knuckles and go into straight up spiritual warfare to have Max with me. I did this. I did this fully and didn't get what I wanted. None of us did. So let us not bullshit my amazing warriors for Max, nothing about this is about getting something in return. Again, nothing about this is fair. Again, nothing about this is anything but unconditional love. This is one of the most difficult teachings of Max and if you are going to really be a part of this movement you best start to get a grasp of how radical this is. In the words of Kimmi G, "Love is not an economic equation". Love can't save your marriage. Love can't even save your babies. But love is the human experience and all it wants to do is pour through us. When I wrote "Let Love In" as a push from Max, what it really means is that although we don't always get what we want, what we do get is the realization that love is something we get to do. We get to participate in relationships where we can pour love into each other, skin to skin, and eye to eye. This is the incredible gift of embodiment. So on this one month celebration of my teacher and son Max, remember the gift.
Max Love. Max wisdom.
Heather Bear

Max's birthstone earrings to celebrate his One Month Birthday.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Share Your Max Story!

Heather is asking us all to record the incredible openings that are happening within our own hearts. These are the miracles, the blessings, the shifts we are each making to embody and share Max's teachings. Please share your stories inspired by the EXTRA ORDINARY power of a Teacher named Maximilian Ka'hanu Bumblebee Heintz.