Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What is your push?

I don't use the term "push" lightly. The rests between contractions became vital for each subsequent push. This was true for the end of laboring with Max. This was true for the birth in my bedroom with Max. This was true for the eight days in the NICU with Max. You can't just stop labor. You can't just collapse when a contraction comes. You cannot not push. You just know what to do and you have to do it. You and your baby work together. You take turns taking the lead. But you do not collapse. This is my dance with Max. I gave birth to Max and to myself as Max's Mother but I am still in labor. My pushes now are very clear leads from Max that are simultaneously miraculous and painful. The miraculous is that I have Max gently guiding me into unexplored areas of my life with these huge bursts of intensity. The pain is that some of those areas are dark and really fucking uncomfortable. But one does not come without the other. Max is a miracle. He has broken open more hearts in his eight days than most of us dare to do in a lifetime. But having a broken open heart doesn't have to feel good. Don't kid yourself. Giving birth to your babies or to your realized self does not feel good. When we open so radically we become vividly aware of how and where we are rigid or have closed ourselves off. This takes being bold. This takes being vulnerable. These two things are not mutually exclusive. They are in relationship. One will take the lead but they are in a constant dance. So amazing warrior... What is your push?
Max Love
Heather Bear


jessica said...

Heather - I want to thank you for the ability to continue to look for the highest and stay connected to the bigger picture. These moments of pain and suffering can awaken understandings that are typically not as available in every day life. You have access to a source that is powerful. This time in your life is going to catapult you to a place far greater than where you came.

I've never given birth to a child, however, I did give birth to a new Jessica a few years ago. It was the most difficult and painful time of my life. I had to keep pushing through to the other side with all of it's struggles and unknowns.

But now I have clarity and know my purpose.

I look forward to sharing my realizations with you in AZ.

Thanks for being a guiding light.


JenZen said...

My push right now in the physical realm is about getting over the whole "it's not fair" trip that has kept me stuck for a while now. Lets just say it's been more than a few years. Longer than what feels healthy. And without Max Wisdom it may have stretched for much, much longer.

It's that age-old story that goes: I was in a relationship with a man who I loved deeply but it ended with betrayal. It hurt, but not as much as all the times I betrayed myself by staying when I knew I should have let go.

So for the last few years I have been in that "it wasn't fair" trip in my own head, and as a result my heart has not been open to relationship. Except my heart desires to share intimacy with a romantic partner. So in my act of protection against vulnerability, I deny my heart. Hm.

What I have learned from Max and Heather is that fair has nothing to do with it. Fair has nothing to do with it. Fair has nothing to do with it....

We love and we lose, life is wrought with suffering because everything in the world of embodiment is temporary, so eventually everything we love will be taken from us one way or another. (In the spiritual sense nobody goes anywhere, but what good does that knowledge do when the body and heart long deeply for what it cannot touch?).

The amount of time I have in the physical plane is limited, so I guess I'd better get busy loving. We are all vulnerable, and any attempt to live otherwise is a big waste of time. And that is something I don't get to take for granted. This Time. This gift of embodiment.

If I try and wait until I have some sort of guarantee that I won't get hurt before I allow myself to love and be loved then I am just going to have to wait forever, and I don't have forever. I've looked back at that past relationship with new eyes. I loved, I lost, I was vulnerable, I got hurt.

Lets do it again. I want to stay in the flow of love.

Maybe with more wisdom and a deeper commitment to myself this time.... just for kicks.

I love you Heather. I love you Max. Letting Love In. Letting Love Out. Saying YES to my heart, saying YES to being vulnerable. There is so much strength in vulnerability.


monkeyfishdezigns said...

Dearest Heather... I have been sitting back in a state of awe that has rendered me pretty much speechless through this madness... I have stayed with you and silently participated in this wonderment that has evolved since Max departed this physical realm in which we all presently exist, and have searched my soul for words to put down... I am still just in awe... in awe of it all... in awe of max, and now in awe of you... you and max are an amazing inspiration and beautiful and oh so strong... I look and see you both each day, and I just wanted you to know that. Much love........ oh so much love, and always oh so vulnerable. Miss you much. Love De

kimberly said...

My next push just came in the form of getting off the call today (sorry it was early - had to attend to G), put her to bed and proceeded to write a 5+ letter to my very hard-core, incredulous, judgy, acupuncture teacher who has brought many a tear to my eye over the last 8 years.

I stood my ground in a loving way and not caring about the radical outcome of speaking up to a 75 year old Japanese Master. (of course I did this in a respectful manner.) But speaking up, using my voice, representing all her students is loooong overdue. So thanks Max for bringing me heart center to speak it up and out!

Kimberly said...

"A person rises by that which they fall. This means that any external challenge has as much potential to lift us up as it down to throw us down. In the deepest sense, it means that the same crystallized energy that represents tension, stress, pain and suffering - when released - has the potential to uplift us powerfully and to expand our awareness" - From your book to the masterminds. NO SHIT MAX Thank you!

Sarah said...

My push is to keep showing up, telling the truth,trying not to change anyone,do my best to live with out regrets. To add a little kindness and love to the world and to suck as much juice, joy and laughter as I can out of everyday because tho the days are often long life is short. I have thought of you so much over the past weeks and wondered what to say. I know it sounds terrible but I wanted to say welcome to the club, the survivors club that is, once you've experienced a loss like this you are never the same, so many lessons to be learned. A friend once told me you dont get over it you just get thru it and I see you are... She also reminded me that it's really okay to grieve in your own way and nobody can tell you the right way. I dont know if proud is the right word but I dont know how else to say it I'm so proud of you for doing this blog and pumping the milk, and letting love in and being your beautiful self and Im sending you a big hug and heaps of love thru the internet

Geana said...

I am getting a long overdue tattoo (I will explaine to you in person) that reminds me to focus on loving those here on EARTH in full. OH and a little bird for Max, that was the first way I got to see him. I love you so much my sister Heather, oh so bleepity-bleep much. I have a poem to share with you from my past, but have not decided if I should post it or send it to you personally. Cant wait to give you that "Bear Hug". Hearts and Kiss, G

JenZen said...

Geana, He appeared to me as a bird the first time too. I also got a little bird tattooed on my heart for Max. :) He's so silly.