I am Back on Oahu on the 3rd floor at the NICU to return that breast pump that I stole. Master P joined me. I wanted to give our nervous systems a chance to integrate the intensity of the eight days we spent in the hospital. It took me a moment to realize after picking up Kim P at the airport that we didn't have to rush to the NICU. Max isn't there. Pulsating proof that my body and nervous system are still highly sensitive and in some ways on guard, at attention, ready to lift a truck to save my son. The strength of a mom is impenetrable. No need to rush. My body is also on an incredible journey.
I also came here to simply hug the medical staff and to thank each of them for serving and loving Max. They are extraordinary. I was able to hold my baby as he passed. I was able to breathe him in. I was able to became a conduit for him to return to the source from where he came. They made that possible for me. They broke any rules that may have stood in my way to being able to experience being Max's Mom. There began my pilgrimage. But when a baby leaves, we all grieve. They had to go back to work. Other babies needed them. The world doesn't stop and yet all of the support I have been given suspended mine so that I can stay open and experience Max as my teacher. The amount of pure gratitude brings me to my knees. Time is not taking me farther away from Max. Time is spotlighting the very human workload it took for me to be so well taken care of. Time is showing me that Max is the human spirit. He is not just mine. The world is not falling apart my friends. The world has never been more awake. I can feel it in your eyes. Those long lashes of yours batting at the recognition that love is everywhere.
Being back at the battlefield has a much different feel when your armor is off. Come to find out we brought the battlefield. It travels with us. It's here in my back pocket ready to be rolled out when any of us need it... and we will. We rallied warriors. We fought hard. And we will fight this battle of the heart again and again. Here, sitting in the plain mauve walls of the hospital on the bench that I sat four months ago waiting to be taken into hold Max as he left his body, not a single part of me feels defeated. Rather I am in a state of surrender. The entire electromagnetic spectrum is the new visible light. Technicolor is the new monochromatic. The cremation ground is the new frickin' tea cup ride. God doesn't give us what we want and still God is everywhere. Grace glides with her net as we walk along our edges. Whether we are asked to hang a toe off or jump with our eyes closed...Grace swoops in. Shaken awake Max, redeemer is right, all we have to do is pay attention. All plain mauve walls have magic written all over them. Max is sharing his new set of magic markers ready to illustrate this next chapter. Get scribbling. Get your doodle on and let's do this thing.