Monday, September 5, 2011

Going off the deep end

I am aware of the abnormality of my grieving. Trust me, it's not normal to refer to your son that left his body after eight days as "your teacher, master of masters, guru of gurus"... who tells you to keep loving. Keep letting love in. Keep your heart open and broken regardless of the outcome. The boats have been burned and there is no going back.  Safe is an illusion.  Technicolor is the new mauve so color the walls of this life big and bright.  You are going to get hurt. You are going to fail so be as graceful as possible.

Trust me It isn't normal that I said "no" to a memorial because Max is very much alive in my heart. While it doesn't phase me, it does freak people out. I can say with quite a bit of certainty that I surround myself with very level-headed, grounded, rooted and located Masterminds who talk to me daily about what Max is doing, what Max is up to, what Max is teaching us, or how Max shows up in very unexpected places. I am grateful I have them. They hold me accountable to keep living in the abnormal. When I get worked by the ocean of this rawness they wrap me up in a warm towel, give me a snack, wax up my board and say "get back out there kid, keep living from that kind of conviction".

Normal says "Heather went off the deep end". People have told me they were worried about me until they saw me at the bank.

The bank? Really?

We get a sample of how radically uncertain all of this being human is but instead of really living from that place of no bullshit and all heart, it's just easier to go the bank. Of course we have to go to the bank. It's expected and necessary, but please do see it for what it is.

Another women shared that she can't believe how open I have been with loosing a baby. That it makes her uncomfortable that I have been public with Max. She shared that she knew a woman who lost her baby and nine months later had another one and that she's totally fine.

I can't argue with that. Fine is a fine place to be. Fine just isn't for me. I prefer the going off the deep end.

I am writing this because many of you have swam out to some pretty big waves with me, another way of saying "off the deep end". You have taken a stand to move deeper and deeper into the layers of your heart where the waves of love are intense and the risks are big. You have bravely shared what that surf continues to feel like for you. Thank you for being brave. But let us be clear, not everone is willing to paddle out into really big waves and it's ok. I am interested in living in the abnormal.  I am NOT interested in being righteous about it. It's enough just to live from that place. What I don't get to do is drag people out there with me. Or worse, come across that I am somehow more awake for choosing to stay open. I have made this mistake and almost drowned a very dear friend of mine. I tried to drag him out here with me when he has been the one supplying the rations for me to stay out in these big waves. Take it from me, don't do that.  It is not up to you who joins you in the line up.  I got tumbled and tossed around and may have done some damage.  It will need some attention and some nurturing before the trust is there again. Note taken.  I'd be in deeper shit if he didn't love me the way he does. I am thankful our friendship survived.

Max says "keep paddling Mom and recognize the incredible amount of support it takes from shore to make sure you stay alive out there". The opportunity for growth is in every fathom. Be grateful for the near drownings. Be grateful for the bank. Be grateful for the normal. Be grateful for going off the deep end and when needed just apologize.

Let Love In


Sharri said...

Sweet make me smile.


LisaE said...

So much gratitude to you....
Big Love,

G said...

Judgement is something every human being encounters. Some are oblivious it exists, some see it and care less, and others constantly work to remind themselves to not take on this action or not alow onesself a reaction. But its there it exsists none the less.
To feel life deeply is scary. To be open with your true thoughts or better yet your true self is difficult. Normal is an illusion build by our society and colored by opinions and judgements.
That said this is simply my opinion: You my friend are teaching us- and your experience of max and the spirit that lives on inside of you is your inspiration. This is not crazy. People stand up every day and are respected for teaching the wisdom of God, Jesus, Budda... spirits that live on and give us a goodness to build and structure our lives by. We find faith and courage every day in the wisdom of those who have passed through our world.
Personally your experience of max and the love of his spirit that shines so magically through you has touched me. Iv listened and found the space within myself to open up and as you and max and so many say "let love in". Im not gonna question if this would have happened regardless or on the opposite end if Max through you became my life coach and got me here. Im doing the work and its magical. I feel the love you speak of and am gratefull for the wisdom you have shared. xoxo

monkeyfishdezigns said...

Love you... love Max, Love the DEEP... xo

eStarr said...

Love to the MAX!!

Jamie Ackley said...

Six months seems when a little kid says they are something "and a half" years old. Six months can also give you a little perspective.
There seems to be two enduring ways that I have been touched by Max and Heather and all of your stories.
First, I've learned what Faith is. Trust is when you stick your big toe into The River while you are hanging onto a branch that grows out from the shore that you think will not break. Faith is when you fling yourself into The River because you know that is where you are supposed to be.
Second, I can no longer ignore, pretend not to notice, or not be bothered by the web of interconnection, the oneness that runs between us and all things that reveals itself to us in moments of sychronicity. All the sychronicities around Max turned up the volume, and now I find myself quietly and more carefully tuned in.
I'm grateful I share a birthday with helps me to remember...
Much Love,