Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Max's Rebirth Prayer

Today marks 49 days since Max passed through me. 49 days is a significant day of transition in Tibetan Buddhism. And although Max is very clearly an awakened being, I have roots with the wild crazy wisdom side if things. Jen Z, Ivy, and Jess joined me early this morning at the same shrine where on April 3 they kept 108 candles lit as the Tucson Warriors shared prayers and chants for Max. The cookies that Bronwin and Darren offered were still there on a little plate from 7 weeks ago. When I arrived a candle from the original offering was lit. Pure Magic.

The spoken word below is not a push. I wrote it as a love letter to read to my son. I offer it to you as a way to honor and share the awakening that has occurred in your life these last 49 days.

For Maximilian Ka'hanu Heintz
Love Mom

I am onto you death.
You and your handle bar mustache under that black hooded little number you wear.
You aren't scary and you can't take my son.

Max is bigger than your bardos. He built your bardos.
And still Max I remind you to fly my sweet beautiful boy.
Move through. Move over bacon because Max is very much in the house...this great big mansion of my heart.

Time travel Max in your interstellar space machine. King of angels. Teacher of teachers.
Play planetary marbles my Boddhisatva Baba Baby Boy.
You are free.
You are me and me you. We never leave each other.

You have my blessing, just promise to call on the magic cell phone.
I want to hear about all of your adventures. All of your love. All of your heartache.
You are not a story. You are not downloadable.
You are more and more alive as I become more and more awake.
But I need to know that you are safe, warm, fed, happy... My hero.

My Jambavan. I just need the reminder to just remember.
I remember. And sometimes the smell of your skin surrounds me and I feel you in every cell of my body and you breathe me.

You breathe me Ka'hanu.
And here I was holding my breath thinking you would leave me.

Release Mom
You can't loose me. You never have.
I am ever present. You sang to me Nischprapanchaya.
Jai Guru.
I am yours.
Body or not.
Mother and Son.
Hanuman and Jambavan.
This lifeime or the next.
We are love.

OK My Mirror Max, add smoke or not.
I see you.
Thank you for dusting my path and adding golden sprinkles.
I will walk it and dip my fingers in the frosting and put my head in the donut cabinet at the grocery store to taste the richness of every moment.

I have and will let you go without me now knowing that you always return.
So take pictures. I want details.
In the meantime I will swing in your sunshine and sing with the keepers of wonder.


Kimberly said...

of course a candle was still burning. just his.
and i didn't tell you yet. the song... the song at the end. fallin all angles. I heard it last night. was right back there. Thanks max for dusting the path and adding golden sprinkles.

Marcia Tullous said...

Oh Heather,

This is such a sweet letter so full of love and light and remembrance, hope and possibility. What a significant day this is full moon and all. I marvel at your ability to listen deeply and hear and feel the realms of love and life beyond.

There is nothing more honorable, big or deep as the love a mother has for her child. I cry rivers with you. Each drop leads to the sea, raging and alive, soft and peaceful as each drop falls and dissolves under the light of the moon.

To the Magic, Mystery and Beauty of Max, I Bow.

Love from one Mother to Another,


jameslyne said...

A Truelove letter...Thank You

The Peg said...

My heart is full of sighs...... Thank you.

Noelani said...

I am swinging in your sunshine too, Max Bumblebee. I am singing with these keepers of wonder... the birds, bugs, and wise mountain wind. I honor you, tasting every tear that has fallen in your honor as drops of wisdom. It is felt at my core. You make my heart quiver. You teach me that tears and smiles can flow through me at the same time. I love you.

Thank you for these words mamma heather bear. You are a true ambassador of love and i am your apprentice. I look forward to our next shared coffee afternoon. Love and light and kisses.

monkeyfishdezigns said...

you leave me breathless, yet so completely full of breath at the same time...every moment so full of energy and oh so precious... I see Max's light shining bright through the eyes of my baby day in and day out... I so hope for my daughter to evolve be as strong and open and raw and generous and as tuned in to the universe as you are dear Heather... with the force of Max running through you... you both amaze me.

Erin said...

I wanted you to know that my heart breaks and rejoices for you every day. Thank you for Max and his wisdom. He is everywhere.

Erin Q in Hawaii

Genevieve said...

to let myself feel
truly sad
to lay down and admit
i have a human hurting heart
to boldly yet softly say
i am vulnerable

i am vulnerable
in all its illusions and glory
i am vulnerable
in my own perpetuating story

here is my heart
repressed no more
i give it to you
do not worry
it is meant to be broken
it is meant to feel terribly ashamed
destruction will cause pain

i am vulnerable
but i am still breathing
i wont stand for my emotions to be fleeting
they are statues of my true self
they deserve a direct voice
and moments of self reflection
here is my heart, loved one
do not worry
life is meant to be a giant fucking mess
i won't blame you
when this turns out like all the rest

i am sad and i am free
i do not fear rejection or missed connection
i am vulnerable and i am me
let my heart be what it be's
sing love songs in flowered trees
i am sad but i am free
to fall down, to fail, to utterly be confused
in all its illusions and its glory
vulnerability is my gifted story

-sweet g